


The Fault in Our Stars

by Polarnacht



Series: Fate [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst and Feels, Cancer, Dealing with sickness, Established Relationship, FuckCancer, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sick Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:00:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23200579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: Shadowhunters are worriers, born to fight demons and other deadly creatures. They are born for the battle, born to protect the mundane world from any harm, they don’t fear the danger which comes with this purpose. But what happens when the enemy is not a demon you can slay with a sword or a blade? What happens when the demon is not a demon at all but still as deadly? When your own body becomes your worst enemy? Then it is still time to fight, but how far can this fight go? How far can you push yourself and your loved ones before you have to realize that maybe this time, the enemy will win?
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Series: Fate [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675111
Comments: 32
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

****

**The Fault in Our Stars***

_Per G._

_Buon viaggio, zio._

_Sono certa che ci vediamo_

They had defeated Valentine and after that, they had fought another war against his demon son, Jonathan Morgenstern. They’d gone to a demon realm and back to destroy Jonathan, to destroy the Endarkened Shadowhunters that he had created - soulless monsters which still carried the face of your loved ones.

Alec had seen Parabatais killing their own Parabatais and afterwards themselves, as they couldn’t live with the knowledge of having killed their most precious person, even if this person had been dead a long time before the actual killing. Alec felt for them, he had felt his own Parabatai bleed to death, murdered by his own father. He had seen his rune bleeding and fading, leaving only a small, white scar behind. A scar that could be easily overlooked, but never forgotten.

He placed his hand there, pressing down on the injured skin where a rune should pulsate, the source of a deeper bond. He still had no idea how to truly live with that loss. But the loss had brought a change: finally he and Jace didn’t need to hide their relationship any longer. Jace had been brought back to life after his death by his sister, Clary, but not soon enough to reestablish their bond. The runes were gone, both Parabatai too old for a new ceremony. But, at least, they could love each other openly now.

Some eyed them suspiciously, but they didn’t care. They had been secretly in love for 2 years now, longer even when it came to Alec. He thought he had loved the blond the moment Jace had set foot in the Institute’s training room. He had suppressed his feelings, had agreed to the runing ceremony to finally get rid of his love – but the love had deepened. Feeling Jace so close had done nothing to do them apart, but all to drive them together. And one night, after long years of pining, he had given in and kissed the blond. To his surprise, Jace had kissed back, feverishly, heatedly. Lovingly. Since then, they had been together in all ways that mattered, except in the open. So getting killed by your own father had its advantages, Alec and Jace figured. At least they didn’t have to bother with the Clave and their stupid prejudices and laws anymore. They were free now, free to love, free to be official boyfriends.

But given all these things, the killing, the blood, the loss, the fighting, the mourning, Alec thought it was normal that he was tired, always so tired. He just needed some good night’s sleep and then he would be back on track again. It was normal, that he didn’t have much of an appetite and lost weight rather quickly. It was all due to the tremendous stress, wasn’t it. He had not dealt with the Parabatai bond being broken yet, not dealt with his brother Max being killed. So it was normal, that his mind and body took time to heal.

He felt Jace’s worried gaze on him when he pushed his food over the plate and forced himself to eat at least a bit. He saw the looks his sister gave him when Jace kicked his ass in training. Not that this was unusual, Jace was in hand-to-hand combat the better fighter, but the ease with which Jace won and Alec lost, that was unusual. And he was tired. All the time he felt a bone-deep tiredness he couldn’t quite explain.

But he was not worried at the beginning, the wars had taken their toll, he just needed time. Time to heal, time to cope. When a small cut after an injury didn’t heal well and needed two Iratzes to close, he started to worry for the first time. That was not normal. Shadowhunters healed fast, an Iratze should have been more than sufficient to heal the little wound. He hid it from Jace and the others. He didn’t want to worry them, they all had had a rough time. Jace had lost his life, his father, his brother, even if Jonathan had never been a real brother to him. He had lost Alec in a way, though he had gotten him in another. So Alec kept his mouth shut when Jace curled up around him at nights, stroking his back and asking if he really was all right, if they were to call a silent brother or a therapist, as he got thinner and more tired over the weeks.

He really started to worry when he started to cough blood. That was distinctively not normal. His attempt to hide this from his lover and family failed miserably. In one training session against Jace he just couldn’t stop coughing, the hand on his mouth sparkled with blood when finally the attack was over.

After that, it went quickly. Jace called Magnus, who examined Alec worryingly, a frown on his face. He didn't detect something demonic in Alec or anything else supernatural. He was not possessed, he was not poisoned. But something was wrong. Magnus called his friend Catarina Loss, a nurse, a doctor, a healer. Her healing magic and skills, as well as her dedication to mundanes were legendary. She sat down beside Alec, her blue skin slightly paler than usual when she let her magic fly. Alec felt the rush over his body, the slight penetration of her magic under his skin. The frown on Magnus’ face deepened. Catarina shook her head in disbelief, releasing her magic again over Alec.

“I need to do some more tests, Alec. Just to be sure.” She drew blood and when the results came back from the lab, she murmured something about markers, which neither of the Shadowhunters understood. Jace of course had not left Alec’s side, even though it was clear that he wanted to be anywhere but here. But he would never leave Alec. Catarina looked at Alec with an obvious concern on her face, but still, she was not sure. It was just so unusual, she had never heard about such a case, even though the blood results were rather clear and also her magic indicated her what was the case. But she was not completely certain, so she told the Shadowhunters to meet her at a mundane hospital, even though she knew that mundane medicine was forbidden for Shadowhunters. But if she was right, mundane medicine was Alec’s only chance.

She hid Alec from her mundane doctor friends and did all tests in private, she couldn’t risk Alec’s half angel-blood being detected. She ran several tests, a sonography, a CT and a MRT. The results were clear.

Alec couldn’t stop laughing when he heard the diagnoses. It was so fucking hilarious, he had no idea why no one else joint in his laughter. He had fought and survived two wars at the age of 19, he had went to fucking hell and survived – and now that. It was ridiculous. “Say that again”, he said to Catarina, who looked a bit helpless at Magnus and Jace, who were with them in the room.

“You’ve got cancer, Alec. Lung cancer.” Alec still couldn’t stop laughing. He who had never smoked one single cigarette in his entire life had lung cancer. And he was a fucking Shadowhunter, Shadowhunters were not supposed to get cancer in the first place.

“So what do we do now?” Alec heard the concern in his lover’s voice. Valid question he thought, and somehow he felt he had to calm down. Maybe it was not that hilarious after all.

“If you were a mundane Alec, we would treat you with a two-step method. First we would operate and then a chemo therapy.” Caterina was ignoring Alec’s outburst now, probably she had seen many strange reactions to such news. “You have a T2 N1 M1 tumor, which means your tumor is above 3 cm and has already spread to your liver, we need to act fast. We will operate the tumor in your lung; we will treat then the metastases in your liver afterwards with the chemo therapy,” she added, after she saw the puzzled look on their faces. “Look, I think we should let everything settle right now, you have to make up your mind how to proceed. I know it is a lot to take in.” Which was the understatement of the year.

“Is there nothing magic can do?” It’s the first time Alec contributed really to the discussion, and he didn’t like the weakness in his voice.

“I’m afraid not, Alec. I have tried it over the years, but cancer is nothing magic can treat. Magic potions can maybe help with the adverse effects of the chemo therapy, but it cannot heal you.”

“So basically you are saying the Clave would let Alec die without giving him any chance? No fucking way.”

Jace had sprung to his feet, he was furious. There was an ancient law that forbid Shadowhunters from getting mundane treatment, normally it was also not necessary. Shadowhunters just didn’t get mundane illnesses. Or so he had thought.

“Calm down Jace, no one is letting anyone die. If Alec wants the mundane treatment, we find a way to provide it and hide it. It’s not that this would be something new to you too, wouldn’t it,” Magnus said with a small smile, which nearly reached his eyes.

For the fist time since they were in the room, Alec felt the ground under his feet again, being reminded of his love for Jace acting like an anchor. He felt a strong arm wrap around him and he leaned into the touch.

“So if we decide to do the mundane way, what are the chances?”

Catarina and Magnus exchanged a quick glance.

“The survival rate after 5 years is 15 percent.” 15 fucking percent. After 5 fucking years. Alec felt the urge to laugh again, but suppressed it, feeling the tension in Jace’s body.

“There must be something I can do, I have 100% angel blood for heaven’s sake. And he is a bloody Shadowhunter. What does the survival rate say about that?”

Alec heard the panic in Jace’s voice. He squeezed his arm, which was still wrapped around him, reassuringly.

“I’ve looked into it; there are very few recorded cases where Shadowhunters got cancer. They all died, but all didn’t receive treatment, so that is not a reliable source.”

Fucking great. Jace got his rune-activating ability, Clary the rune creation ability and he – he got fucking cancer.

“Well then we go for the mundane way.” Alec’s voice was more determined than he actually felt. But this was what you did, right? Being calm so that the others wouldn’t freak out.

“It’s what I would suggest, yes. But Magnus and I have to look into it, we cannot treat you in a normal hospital, Alec. We have to figure something out, but we will.”

***

Back at the Institute Alec still felt like he was dreaming. He just wasn’t sure if he wanted to wake up or not. He sensed the panic radiating from Jace. The blond had never been good at dealing with the threat of losing someone he loved, especially now where his most loved one was concerned and there was nothing he could do about it. In the face of danger Jace usually fought, ready to sacrifice his own life in a heartbeat to safe others – but this was not something where a sacrifice would fix anything. The realization hit Alec. There was just nothing he could _do._ He had to rely on others, he had to put his life helplessly in the hands of unknown strangers. All he could do was try to survive. But this was what everyone tried to do, and 85 % just lost this fight. He supposed it was not the lack of trying which made them fail. The panic was like a kraken, which settled in his belly, reaching for his heart and soul. He swallowed down hard, his Adam’s apple bopping up and down. He couldn’t panic now. He had to be strong. For Jace. For himself.


	2. Chapter 2

Magnus and Catarina figured out a way to operate and treat Alec. They found a doctor with a private clinic who was skilled but didn’t ask any questions – Alec supposed that she normally treated criminals and alike. But Magnus had enough money to shut her and her team up, so Alec just couldn’t bring himself to bother how shady the doctor was, as long as she did her job. Jace provided enough blood for the operations – it was amazing how much blood someone could donate in one go when you could use blood replenishing runes at the same time. Alec had the feeling that Jace was more than happy to go through that ordeal, as he finally could do something. Sitting around and letting others handle everything had been hard on the blond – and hard on Alec, too. He was supposed to be a leader, not someone who was told what to do by nurses and doctors.

The operation went nearly as well as it could go, only a tiny part of the tumor had remained inside the lung, but the doctor was confident that this would vanish with the chemotherapy.

Magnus enlarged his loft so that they could fit in a sickroom for Alec with all necessary equipment for the chemo, thanks to his magic and money at least that was not a problem. Catarina and another hired nurse would step by, so that Alec didn’t need to go to another hospital for his treatment.

Alec had thought that the operation was the worst part of his treatment, but he had been wrong. Thanks to his healing runes he recovered quickly from the operation, but the chemo was a different story. Catarina had suggested a port, a device to give him his intravenous drugs, which would stay under his skin. The port was placed on his chest and attached to a catheter; it could stay there for several months. It felt strange to feel the device under his skin, but he got used to it, as to so many other things.

In general he was determined to not let the cancer dominate his life. He was a fucking Shadowhunter, he was a leader – he would not give in to the urge and curl into a tiny ball in his room. He knew he had to be strong, strong for Izzy who had already lost one brother, strong for Jace who had lost nearly everything. It was just not the right time to fall apart. So he gritted his teeth and faced the chemo the way he had always faced danger: Head held high, chin up in the air and more concerned about his loved ones than about himself.

When he had first heard about the adverse effect, he had thought it was nothing he couldn’t handle. Ok, you got a bit sick, but how hard could that be. Very he had to realize when he threw up in the park in a waste bin for the first time. He knew he was lucky as his Angel blood made him immune to most mundane sicknesses, therefore he could still go out and didn’t need to fear hugging Izzy or Jace. But the nausea was horrible. He constantly had a sick feeling in his stomach, but sometimes it just hit him in a wave and there was nothing he could do about it.

The first time the anti-cancer drugs conquered his body was strange. It took several hours for the drugs to run via the port into his blood system, hours he was condemned to sit tight and do nothing. Jace was of course there, but he felt the tension radiating from him. His lover tried his best to hide it, but Alec could sense it in every single thing he did, the way he fidgeted with his Stele, the way he laughed just a tiny bit too loud, the way he looked just a little too long at Alec, an unusual sadness and seriousness in his eyes. So Alec tried his best to seem calm, to pretend that everything was fine and that not a threatening drug was infused into his body. A drug which would kill hopefully the cancer cells but would cancel healthy cells along with it. Maybe because these illnesses had never been a topic while growing up in a Shadowhunter only environment, Alec felt not prepared for this. He felt he was at the edge of freaking out. But he gulped, bit his lips and dragged Jace into a conversation about the newest developments at the Institute, keeping both their minds off the topic at hand and busy with something else.

Unfortunately, the nausea stayed with him. Every time he got his anti-cancer drugs, he got severely sick. He couldn’t count the times he ended up in the bathroom, embracing the toilet bowl and throwing up until only bile was left to throw up. He hated the tears which came with it, the weakness, the taste in his mouth which never seemed to vanish. He hated it when Jace sat next to him, rubbing small circles at his lower back while he was throwing up; he hated it even more when he was not there. He was drawn between protecting Jace from all the sickness and needing him desperately to pull through it. Magnus and Catarina tried to provide him with antidotes, mundane ones and magical ones. But nothing seemed to help, it was as if his body wanted to get rid of the poison inside of him. Unfortunately, he couldn’t get rid of the kraken, every now and then he felt its cold arms spreading in his body to take over control.

Going from a 100% pre-sheduled life to having all the time in the world for himself was hard. Alec had always loved the routines a life in an Institute provided, the trainings, the missions, even the politics. He missed it - he had no idea how to spend his time. Magnus had provided him with all thinkable distractions, TV, video games, books, but nothing helped to really catch his attention. At first, Jace had stayed with him, but the blond’s own restlessness had driven Alec crazy. The feeling of being encaged had become overwhelming instead of being lessened, therefore he had nearly begged Jace to go on missions again – they had to keep up the face of normality anyway for the Clave and everyone else. Magnus had fit a training room in his loft, that at least for training sessions Jace didn’t need to leave. At first Alec had hoped to use it for himself, but he had soon realized that he just was too tired and his body too drained to even think of training. 

After approximately two weeks, he noticed his hair starting to fall out. He had been prepared for it as it was a common adverse effect, but when he brushed through his hair and he suddenly held tufts in his hand, he had to pull himself together to not slip. He stared at the mirror at the small hairless spot and tried to suppress the tears. It was really going to happen. He brushed again through his formerly thick, dark hair. The amount of hairs staying in his hand scared him. He didn’t hear Jace entering the bathroom. He just felt his arms around him, pressing a gentle kiss to his temple.

“You know you will always be the most beautiful boy to me, don't you?” Alec had to smile at that, leaning into the embrace. Jace had an electric shaver in his hand, smiling tenderly at him. “Shall we?”

Alec just nodded. It was one of the most intimate moments in their relationship when Jace shaved Alec’s head carefully to not leave any cuts. He shaved line after line, until only smooth skin was left and Alec was completely bald. When he was done, he proceeded with his own, not hesitating for a second. Alec would miss to comb through Jace’s hair, but he appreciated the gesture, more than that even, he loved that Jace solidarized with him, especially as he knew how peculiar Jace normally was with his hair and looks. His mirror image looked like a stranger, he really looked sick now Alec thought. Not that a lot people saw him anyway, they had to hide his condition from the other Shadowhunters, not knowing who they could trust. Besides Jace only Izzy was involved, as he didn’t even trust his parents enough, as sad as this was. He rested his strangely cold feeling head on Jace’s muscular chest, closing his eyes and trying to just savior that moment, the intimacy, the love, the trust and not worry about what else might come, as he couldn’t change it anyway. Not being in control was maybe the hardest thing to get used to.

***

Alec frowned at the mirror, where a complete unfamiliar face was staring back. It was strange what things you took for granted without realizing it. Having eyebrows for example. When he had thought that losing his hair had been terrible, he soon learned that losing his impressive eyebrows was even worse. But what really shattered Alec was when a few weeks later his nails started to fall off. His fucking nails. His fingers felt strange without them, more vulnerable. But he couldn’t fight anyhow anymore, so he guessed he could get used to living without them. And they would grow back. Some when.

It was like a mantra he told himself over and over again, a mantra Jace and Izzy told him over and over again. But he couldn’t help but compare the sick person he was now to the warrior he was supposed to be. There was no resemblance at all. His hollow cheeks, the pale skin, the hairless body – that was not him, that was caricature of him – and still, it _was_ him, if he liked it or not. He knew it shouldn’t matter, he was busy fighting for his life for heaven’s sake, but still, he was 19 years old and his boyfriend one of the most beautiful persons on earth. Of course he was giving a fuck about his looks. Jace being Jace, of course didn’t. He just repeated that he was still the most stunning person he had ever seen, massaging his scalp with lotion to minimize the itchiness, that came with the treatment. He looked in Alec’s eyes and said the only thing that mattered were the things inside of Alec, his soul, his heart. But Alec couldn’t help but think that the cancer was also inside of him, eating him alive, eating away from his soul without him being able to fight it. He felt so different, he knew he was pathetic, he was fighting a fight thousands of mundanes faced ever day, elderly, adults, even children – and Shadowhunters were supposed to be fighters, weren’t they. But nothing had prepared him for that fight, to feel like a stranger in his body, being not able to do anything but sit by and wait.

Jace told him a lot how he loved him, that he was there for him, that they would pull through it together, fuck cancer and everything. He valued that, he really did, but sometimes he wished Jace would acknowledge the kraken inside of him, the fear, the panic. And Alec knew Jace felt the same panic, he saw it in the hunted eyes and the reoccurring nightmares, which had increased ever since his diagnosis. But he never spoke about it and Alec felt compelled to stay strong, for both of them. Falling apart was just not an option. It was then when Alec missed their bond the most. He had never been good with words, but pushing an emotion through their bond had been easy, he wished he could do so now, so that Jace understood that he needed him, his reassurance, his fight, but also the possibility to let himself go, to share his dark thoughts. But whenever he tried to speak up, he saw Jace closing off, a grim determination on his face, as if not speaking about it would make it less likely and less true. _I need you_ Alec thought, _please hear me. I need you so much._

Catarina supervised his treatment and observed the success of it. When he saw the concerned frown on her face when the second circle of his chemo ended, he knew he was screwed. He had seen that frown before and it had meant nothing good. He was proven right. The tiny tumor in his lung hadn’t responded to the treatment, it had not grown, but it also had not shrunk or vanished. He could barely listen to Catarina, who explained that they could switch the medication to another drug, which had even more side effects than his first. He felt the panic again, for the first time he truly realized that he could die. If this other drug didn’t work, there might be a chance of a second operation, but also maybe not. 15 fucking percent, and maybe he was not one of them. He locked eyes with Jace and he saw the rawness in them, the barely concealed fear. For once, he didn’t need the bond to tell him what Jace felt. Rage and fear. Rage for the unfairness of the situation, why Alec, why him? Were two wars not enough? Was saving the Shadow World and the mundane world not enough to get a free card from fate? And then the fear. What if Alec really died? What if he lost him and there was nothing he could do about it? No matter how many demons Jace killed, how hard he fought, how much he sacrificed, there was just nothing he could do.

Catarina gave him the choice, if he wanted to try the more aggressive treatment or not. But was there another option? 5 fucking years. How long had the others survived? Had they tried everything or decided enough was enough and enjoyed their last moments on earth instead of hanging over a toilet bowl, puking one’s gut out? He looked at Jace, his hot gaze on him, he knew there was no other possibility than to pull through with the treatment. Jace would never forgive him for stopping to try. For stopping to fight. Right at the beginning, he had promised Jace to fight, to do everything in his power. But back then, he hadn’t known what it entailed. What fighting really meant, and it had nothing to do with fighting a demon and all with fighting yourself, your own body. Sometimes, he was just so tired. But he was a bloody Shadowhunter, born to fight, wasn’t he? So he did what everyone expected, he nodded. Of course he would go for the other drug, no matter what else would fall off his body, what part of him died alongside the cancer.

Back in their room, Alec looked pleadingly at Jace. He needed to talk. About death. About dying. About leaving everyone he loved behind. But Jace just looked at him, the same expression in his eyes when facing the last battle of the Dark War. There was no time for contemplation. No time for fear. But Alec was so frightened. He didn’t need the warrior Jace, he needed his boyfriend Jace. Now more than ever. But Jace just looked at him, kissing him and reassuring him that they would fight together, that he would be fine, before he left, leaving Alec alone. _Please don’t go, don’t leave me._ But Alec had never been good at voicing his own needs, so the words stayed stuck in his throat. 


	3. Chapter 3

Alec stayed not long alone, after Izzy had learned from Magnus about Alec’s unsuccessful treatment, she turned up at the loft. Without further words she hugged him, pulling him real close. But there was the thing with Izzy, no matter how often she proved herself to be strong, maybe the strongest of the Lightwoods, no matter how often she showed that he could come to her with anything – she would stay his little sister forever. He would always feel the need to protect her. So instead of talking to her, he kept his brave face in place, ignoring her frowns and trying to reach for normality. Normality was good, something stable, something to stick to. He just couldn’t let his guards down, not with her, not now. He was the supposed to be leader, the others looked for his advice, for his guidance. So he made sure to provide it. He explained to Izzy again what Catarina had said and that he was sure that the other drug would help him. He saw the relieve on her face when she heard him saying it and that was hint enough that he had made the right choice. Protecting Izzy was still more important than protecting himself

He supposed that Magnus would be willing to talk to him, but honestly, what could a 400 year old contribute to his petty fear of dying at age 19? 19 years were merely a blink of an eye for Magnus, he was so old he just wouldn’t get it. Alec was not sure what he feared more, the dying and death itself or the thought of leaving Jace and Izzy alone. His sister had already lost so much and he didn’t even want to start thinking about Jace, who had lost nearly everything there was to lose in his 17 years on earth. He was thinking of Max, who had died even younger, killed by the monster Valentine had created. Had he been scared? Had he felt that he was dying, asking himself why his older brother was not there to protect him? Or had he felt nothing at all, death too quick and deadly for him? Alec wondered if there was an afterlife and if he found that thought comforting or not. The thought of Max waiting alone in that afterlife made him cringe. Because, who was there for Max? Unknown grandparents, if at all. No, he rather believed it was over. But he just couldn’t picture over. He wandered if dying was harder or staying behind. He had felt Jace die and the pain was the worst in his life, and he was not referring to the physical, excruciating pain he had felt from the bleeding rune which had disappeared into a nothingness. He was referring to the emotional pain the broken bond had caused, the ripping apart of Jace’s soul from his own, the feeling that this tiny part of Jace had clinged to his own for as long as possible but in the end, undeniably, it had vanished – and with that the knowledge, that his Parabatai, his lover, was dead, had settled in. At least Jace had not to go through that ordeal, Alec thought touching the white scars on his hip. At least not that.

***

The new drug was definitely worse. It took several hours for it to run through the port intravenously. With each minute Alec felt the bile rise higher, the sick feeling returning to his stomach, even though that was not possible that quickly. He shouldn’t get sick for at least several hours, but maybe dreading it was enough to trigger it.

This time he was glad that he was alone when the first wave of nausea hit him. His gullet felt like it contained liquid acid when he was done throwing up, his body even still retching when not even bile was left inside of him. He had not bothered to try to blink back the tears; he had just let them run over his face. When he finally managed to stand up and saw the pale shadow of a man looking back at him, he shuddered. Fuck cancer. He curled up on his bed, leaving the TV on to at least pretend to be busy, when all he wanted was laying down and forget everything. After a while, Jace entered the room, smelling of sweat and blood, freedom and health. He bent down to kiss him on the lips, but Alec turned his head, offering his cheek instead, using the sour taste in his mouth as an excuse. But the taste of bile had never stopped Jace, but this time Alec couldn’t stand the taste of life on Jace’s lips. He didn’t want to hear the pretended cheerfulness, the hollow phrases. He didn’t want to be reminded of what he was supposed to do – killing demons, saving the world – and what he was actually doing – laying in bed, doing nothing but moping. Jace frowned at him, but let it go, too scared of what box he might open if he would press this topic now. Instead, he chose to pretend everything was normal, even though being normal had stopped being an option the moment the word cancer had left Catarina’s mouth. Deep down Jace knew it was wrong, but he just… he just couldn’t. Saying meant accepting. Accepting meant dying. And Alec couldn’t die. He just couldn’t. He had no idea how he should go on living without him by his side, he had barely survived the broken bond. When Jace came back from the shower, Alec still non-watched TV.

“Can you bring me my bow from the Institute?”

“Do you think that is a good idea? Training in your..”

“Just bring me the fucking bow. I’m not a child, I know what I can handle.” Alec spat back, realizing that for the first time he understood the many break-ups he had read about, the many relationships that didn’t survive a tragedy such as fighting cancer. He just had never thought that maybe Jace and he were affected. But right now, the unspoken fear and the rage that Jace didn’t want to listen was stronger than anything else, maybe except the shame of feeling jealous because Jace could do all the things Alec craved to do. As if the blond would not switch places in a heartbeat, if offered the chance. Alec knew that. He knew. But right now, he just was scared and angry and jealous.

Jace looked at him, lost, an uncertainty in his eyes Alec hadn’t seen since Jace had been 12 and had finally accepted that whatever Jace did, Alec loved him. Unconditionally. Always. But now the look was back on his face, and Alec hated himself for it. He just had one job to do, and he was crab at it. “Jace” he whispered, the word more a plea than a name. And Jace was there, hugging him, holding him tight. But instead of asking what had brought on the outbreak, Jace just let it go. _Please, don’t let it go. Ask me. Talk to me. Don’t let ME go._ But neither of them spoke until they fell asleep, curled up in each other, their bodies interlined as once their souls had been.

***

Alec stood at the shooting range Magnus had created for him, opening and closing his hand furiously, but no matter how furious he was, the slight tremor stayed. He gritted his teeth and proceeded anyways, ignoring the tiredness in his arms and shoulders. He had just shot a couple of arrows; normally he wouldn’t feel it at all in his body. But he barely could get the bow up again, his arm shaking. Oh, how much he hated that stupid body of his right now. He forced himself to stand still, but his arms started to shake even harder from the effort. He was about to let the bow sink, when he felt two strong arms around him, helping him to hold the bow in the right position. _Jace._ They let the arrow fly and for the first time today, Alec hit the bull’s eye. He let the bow sink and turned around to face his smiling boyfriend.

“So you are the better archer now, congratulations. I don’t need help. I don’t need your pity.”

The smile dropped. “No, Alec, I just… I thought…”

“You just thought that your pathetic excuse of a boyfriend needs help hitting the target. But I don’t. Leave me the fuck alone Jace.”

“No, Alec, please, it is not like that. You’re not pathetic, I know you’re strong..”

“Fuck you, what else do you need to see to realize that I am not strong? Fuck off, really, I mean it.” Alec didn’t really understand where all the anger had been hiding in him, but once revealed he just couldn’t slow down. He took the bow – his handcrafted, unique bow he had loved ever since he had gotten it to his 18th birthday – and slammed it against the wall, once, twice, until he heard the satisfying shattering noise of wood against stone. For good measure he kicked once again at it, before he left the pieces lying on the floor and leaving the range, seeking refuge in his room.

***

Jace fled into the training room in Magnus’ loft. He threw his shirt off and went straight for the punching bag, not bothering with warming up or protecting his hands. He wanted to feel the raw fabric of the bag on his knuckles, he wanted the pain. He wanted to drain himself until only his fists and the bag were left, no feeling beyond the pain, which pulsated through his body with every punch he landed. He was scared to death but determined to push it away. He felt the sweat covering his body like a second skin, he felt his lungs hurting, but did not bother with stopping or activating his runes. He just threw his fists against the punching bag, ignoring the pain in his arms and the pain in his knuckles. He needed more, more pain, more exhaustion. He wanted the blankness in his mind that came only when he absolutely drained himself. And for that, he needed to get hurt. His focus started to blurry, he didn’t see the bag anymore, he just felt slowly his body going numb, with every punch his mind went blacker. He was aware of the pain, but only distantly, he knew he just had to keep going, until nothing of him was left what could hurt, nothing what mattered – only his body could hurt in that state, but physical pain had never mattered. It just made you stronger.

Magnus found Jace in the training room, covered in sweat; his hair looked like he had showered. But what scared Magnus more was the state of the punching bag – instead of its usual solid light grey color it was covered all over in crimson-red spots and streaks. With every punch of Jace a new crimson streak was added, the lighter ones covering the darker, already dried ones. Jace’s hands were a mess, his knuckles openly bleeding but he didn’t seem to feel it or care. Magnus stepped closer and let his magic fly, freezing Jace in mid movement. The blond glared at him, silently commanding him to mind his own business – but Magnus couldn’t. He saw that Jace was hurting, but he had seen Alec being hurt even more. Carefully he took Jace’s hands in his, unfreezing Jace in the process. He brushed slightly over the injured skin, before he let his magic heal the outer wounds. He turned Jace’s hands around, examining them carefully, shaking his head when he realized that one was actually broken. His magic flared up once again, Jace didn’t hiss, didn’t flinch away, nothing indicated that he felt the pain at all.

“Jace.” The softness in his voice made Jace come undone. He jerked away, he was not prepared for that.

“He can’t die. He just can’t.” The words spilled out of his mouth against his will, it was a sacrilege to even voice them. Alec wouldn’t die. He couldn’t. This was not the way it was supposed to be. If anyone, he was the one to go first. Fuck, he had gone first, but he had been brought back. He doubted there was an angel at hand to do the same for Alec.

“Jace.” If possible Magnus’ voice was even softer. “He might.” Those two words made Jace’s world fall apart, those words teared his carefully build up walls of denial and fight down. He shook his head, tears running down his cheeks. _No._

“No. He bloody won’t! He is a fighter.” He screamed at Magnus, pushing him back, punching him in the chest, which the taller man just let happen.

“He is. Yet he might.”

Jace was sobbing now, his arms hanging lifeless next to his body. _No._

“And what am I supposed to do then? Standby and watch him die?” His voice was barely a whisper.

“Do you love him, Jace?” Magnus voice was still gentle, but firm at the same time.

“Of course I fucking love him. More than anything. More than myself.”

“Then this is exactly the thing you will do. If it comes to it, you will stand by his side and watch him die. He needs you, Jace, now more than ever.”

Jace was still crying when he felt Magnus’ arms around him, he knew the warlock was right. Of course he wouldn’t leave Alec. He felt his body going limp in the embrace, for a few more moments he let himself being comforted. Then he pulled back, wiping angrily at his face.

“I’m scared.”

“I know. I’m scared too. And so is Alec.”

Jace nodded, he knew what Magnus was hinting at, he had known it for some time. He knew Alec wanted to talk about the only thing Jace would never be ready to talk about. But cancer didn’t ask if you were ready. If it was too early. Too soon. Too anything. Cancer just was. So he nodded again.

“Thank you.” And with that, he left, heading towards Alec’s room, bracing himself. Alec had been strong for him, now it was his time to be strong for Alec. Yet he cherished the last few seconds of blissful denial while he was heading towards Alec’s closed door.

***

He entered the room without knocking. Alec was sitting on the bed, an unopened book on his lap, watching him with red eyes from unshed tears. Jace looked back, his eyes red from too much crying. For a few seconds the two boys just stared at each other. Alec recognized the look in Jace’s eyes, he had seen it in the mirror, staring back at him with a huge, wide, slightly feral look. The defeat. The coming undone. He had no idea if it was okay to feel slightly proud that he was the cause of this look. The famous Jace Herondale, finally defeated.

With a few quick steps, Jace was at Alec’s side, pulling him in for a tight hug, his lips slightly brushing Alec’s ear. “I’m scared, Alec, really scared.” Alec felt his body going lax at this admission, he slumped into Jace, letting the younger boy embrace him fully before he turned around to kiss Jace, until he tasted the salt of his own tears on his tongue. But if the greatest warrior of their generation admitted to being frightened, it was certainly ok for him to be scared, too. Better, to admit it, to let go of the feeling and truly acknowledge it, as he was aware that he had been scared for quite a time now. He cried all the tears he had hold back for so long, silent tears, his face buried in the crook of Jace’s neck, until there was nothing left. “I’m so fucking scared, too, Jace. But you came back for me. You’re here.”

Jace swallowed hard, the pain in Alec’s words nearly too much, the implication that he had left Alec in some sense hard to accept. His one hand stroked Alec’s bald head while the other hold on tight, pressing him against his chest. “So what do you fear the most, Alec?” It was hard to voice the words, but he knew they had to be spoken. It was the right thing to do now. When he heard Alec’s answer, he was not sure if he was supposed to punch Alec or laugh, as the answer was such an Alec thing to say – such an Alec way to think.

He bit his lips, as the answer was not easy to the simple question. Alec looked up, his eyes still teary but he looked better now, not so lost anymore. Jace closed his eyes for a moment but opened them when he heard his lover’s voice again.

“You won’t do anything stupid, right?” Jace heard the concern.

“Stupid as in following you?” When Alec nodded, he exhaled for a moment. Shortly, he considered lying, but he knew he had to be honest now. He needed Alec to be honest about what he felt, so how could he be dishonest now? “No, Alec, I won’t. It had crossed my mind, I won’t deny that, but no. I promise.”

They looked at each other for a moment, which felt like an eternity, before Alec breathed out in relieve.

“Can you promise me something else?”

“What?”

“Promise me to try to be happy again. If I really die, I need to know that you try to be happy. That you try to live on.”

Jace looked away, pain written all over his face. “Living on will be the hardest thing I’ll ever do, Alec. But I promise, I’ll try. I cannot promise to succeed, but I’ll try. I’ll never forget you, I’ll never stop loving you. And I won’t try to change that. But I’ll try to find another happiness.” While saying it he knew it was true. He would never forget his brother who had become his Parabatai and then his lover. But he also knew where Alec was coming from. Where was the sense in living when you didn’t at least try? It would take time, years maybe, but he owed it to Alec to make his life worthwhile.

“Promise me to try to find a person who you can love and who loves you back.” Alec looked sternly at him.

“Now you are pushing it. I’ve told you, I’ll never stop loving you.” Jace sounded taken aback.

“You don’t need to do that. You can love me and someone else. But you need someone who loves you. You always needed that.”

Jace rolled his eyes, not wanting to think about the truth behind these words. Since he was ten, it had always been Alec who had provided that love, the unconditional love his heart had craved since he was a small boy. “I’m so lucky to have you.” He murmured into Alec’s ear, before he pressed a small kiss on his lips. Alec hummed in agreement, sighing slightly but letting his question go. Too soon for that and if he was honest, picturing his blond with someone else was too painful for him, too.

“What does dying feel like, Jace?”

The blond had dreaded this question for several reasons. He was not entirely sure what he had felt. The realization that his own father, blood or not, Valentine had been his father, really was about to kill him had been more painful than the actual killing blow. The seconds between the killing move, the piercing pain when the blade had entered his body and the stopping of his heart had been a torture, but more emotional than physical. He had experienced worse pain in his life. But he guessed that was different for Alec, he was already suffering.

“I don’t really know, Alec. It went so quickly. I didn’t even have time to think. To be scared. I was just… shocked. That he really went that far. That I meant so little. I just saw the sword, felt shortly the pain – and then it was over.”

Alec was silent for a while, thinking about Jace’s words. It was strange that they never really had spoken about it, but there had been so many things to deal with and Jace had always seemed reluctant to preach this topic, so they had just settled in a silent agreement to avoid it.

“And what felt death like?”

Jace pulled Alec in closer, the body contact giving him the strength to talk about something he had never really confessed to anyone, even to himself. _Peaceful he thought, it had felt fucking peaceful._

“It’s hard to say, Alec, I wasn’t dead for that long. And it is not like I _remember_ it really. It’s more a _feeling_. I died with chaos around me and when I woke up again, there was even more chaos. There was pain, and blood and despair. Clary was at pieces, my father was lying death on the ground in a pool of blood, it was… I don’t know. But in between, I had a feeling of peacefulness. I have no idea if this feeling is really something I felt, if you still feel when you’re dead. I have no fucking idea. I didn’t see a light or a tunnel or such crab. But there was a calmness I have never experienced before”

Alec was quiet even longer now. “So did you mind coming back? Would you have rather stayed in that peacefulness?” Alec heard the broken edge to his voice, the image that Jace might have wanted to stay dead was more than he could handle right now.

The answer came without hesitation. “No. I would always want to live. I would never leave you willingly, Alec. Never.”

“Even if I might leave you now?”

“Yes. I would never give a single moment away. I know you’re scared, I am too. But I also know you won’t die. You’ll live. And I’ll be right beside you. And if you’ll die, I’ll also be beside you. Until the end.”

Alec’s lips turned into a sad smile. “I’m fighting you know. But I wish I knew how to properly fight. They never taught us how to fight ourselves.”

“You don’t have to fight yourself. Your body is not the enemy. The cancer is. And I don’t know anyone who is a braver fighter, Alec. I think the hardest thing for both of us is to accept that it is not in our hands this time.”

That was so fucking true. Alec let himself collapse into Jace. Even though nothing had changed, he felt that everything had. He knew he could be weak now from time to time, he could share his fears without stopping to be strong.

“I sometimes think my body _is_ the enemy. I’m just so tired sometimes, the throwing up, the everything. I look like a freak. If I’m not throwing up due to the one drug, I binge eat and look like a full moon due to the other drug. I mean, that’s ridiculous. And you, you still look like a freaking Angel, that’s so damn unfair.” He laughed helplessly, he bet Jace would even look good without his eyebrows. Or fingernails for that matter.

“You know I don’t care about that.”

“I know. Neither do I really, but still. I hate the stares the people give me when we are out in the park for a walk. As I am a fucking freak or something. Or you’re the freak for being with me.”

“We could punch them.”

Alec laughed at that. “We’re Shadowhunters, we’re not supposed to punch mundanes.

“We could pretend to mistake them for werewolves or something.”

Alec laughed again. It was amazing to have found a way to talk about his fears and insecurities with Jace without being completely serious all the time. Knowing know he could address even his darkest thoughts, voiced serious or not, made everything else so much lighter to bear for Alec.


	4. Ending 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be one possible ending to the story - see the end for more information

The first circle with the new drug was over and still there was no visible success. Catarina shook her head, sucking lightly on her bottom lip, while she talked to both boys about the results the new tests had brought. Alec was tired, just so tired. He leaned into Jace for support, who wrapped an arm protectively around his thin chest. It didn’t look good, the drug was Alec’s only chance, due to complicated reasons and the way the tumor in Alec’s lung was interlined with some blood vessel, another operations was not an option anymore. Jace felt Alec’s weight on him, not only the physical one. He knew how much Alec had suffered through the last weeks, how much the treatment had taken. Alec had endured everything, trying to joke it away, but in the darkness of the nights, he had confessed to Jace how much he worried, how alien his body felt to him. Shadowhunters were trained to have a strict command over their bodies, they were built to endure stress, physical exhaustion, they learned from an early age one that their bodies were deadly weapons, more deadly than a single blade or sword could ever be. To discover that the same body was weak and beyond any possibility of controlling it, freaked Alec out. He had frequently nightmares, but Jace was there for him, comforting him through them – roles reversed this time. When Jace had joint the Lightwood family at the age of 10, it had been Alec who had helped him sleep.

“So what are our options?”

Catarina focused shortly on Jace, before she looked at Alec, who looked back at her with half lidded eyes. He felt the defeat, he felt the kraken, which had been gone since he could speak with Jace openly about anything, return. He had known that this past circle was not the last, but to know that all of his suffering had been in vain – that even if he did bear anything again, there was most probably no success wore him down. He gulped, pressing a bit further into Jace.

“The odds have not bettered, of course, but it can be that the next circle will bring the success we hope. Meanwhile I and some other healers are still trying to find potions, which damp the side effects. I am sorry, really sorry Alec. But right now, there is no plan b.”

“And what if we just stop the treatment? How will he feel then?”

“Then the tumor in his lung will most probably grow bigger, the metastases will spread more. How fast is not an exact science, but from how the tumor behaved I would guess it will be rather quickly. And then he’ll die.”

Alec still hadn’t said a word, he was just listening to the exchange, but he couldn’t express his thankfulness anyway. That Jace just considered ending the ordeal and accepting his death meant more to him than any other love confession could. And Jace was not done yet.

“And how will he feel? Will he feel better? Can he enjoy his last weeks? Months? Will he suffocate?”

Dying from suffocation, gasping helplessly for air in his lungs was one of Alec’s greatest fears. He had been choked by Jonathan during a fight until he had passed out due to lack of oxygen, and he would never forget the panic which had overtaken his body. And to experience this slowly, over hours maybe, he couldn’t dare thinking about it.

“He will feel better, but of course his body will not recover quickly, he will not gain his strength back out of a sudden. But the nausea will go away and I also think the fatigue syndromes will get better. And about the suffocation, there is the possibility of sedation so that you won’t feel it so much, and it should just apply in the last 24– 70 hours.”

_70 hours of slowly being choked to death. Awesome._

Alec’s grip on Jace’s arms had hardened; he ducked his fingernails into Jace’s flesh so strongly, that the blond would see the marks for days. But he didn’t flinch or show any other sign of distress, he just hold on to Alec tighter, more protectively.

“But I think this won’t be an issue for you, anyway, Alec. You have runes to be able to breath under water, I think they should also do the job here.” Catarina added hastily, when she saw the reaction her last statement had drawn. “I’m sorry, I should have started with that, but sometimes I do forget that you are not just a normal patient, Alec.”

Jace felt relieve radiating form Alec’s body. He bent down to kiss the nape of his neck. Alec took his time, thinking the possibilities over. It was tempting, he had to admit it. Maybe Jace and he could go somewhere no one knew them, where no demons were lurking behind the next corner and they could spend their time just lying on a beach or something. A slight smirk crossed his face; he gave Jace one week until he would go nuts without something to do. But they could visit different places, see a bit more before the final curtain closed. On the other hand, he was just not ready to die. To accept the hand fate had dealt him. He was still of the opinion that fate owed him one and it was about damn time that he collected it. He was a fighter, and he would rather die trying than not. It had taken time to come to that conclusion, but knowing now that he had the support of the person who was everything to him, made the decision rather easy. As if knowing that he truly had a choice without disappointing Jace, made it also clearer to him that he wanted to fight. Even if he spent more days curled up next to the toilet bowl.

“I’ll go for the next circle.” Alec’s voice sounded raspy from the days of abuse of throwing up so much, but he sounded firm.

“Are you sure, Alec? We can think it over. We could travel and enjoy the time.”

Alec smiled, turning his head to press a light kiss on Jace’s lips. “I am sure. And we will travel. After I kicked cancer’s ass for good. I am a fighter, and I won’t let cancer take that away from me.”

Jace smiled into the kiss. He had hoped for Alec to choose this, but he would not have pressured him into it, not anymore. “That sounds like a deal. Meanwhile I can hold your bucket.”

Alec tried unsuccessfully to suppress the giggle. “You’re such a jerk, Jace”, but he looked at his lover affectionately, knowing, if need be, Jace would do exactly that.

***

Alec watched his lover and sister train. He still was not at his top level, his body still easily drained after several more rounds of chemo therapy. But the second circle with the new drug had taken the desired effect, and now, a couple of months later, he was indeed cancer free. Sometimes he still couldn’t believe it. There was no trace of cancer left in his body, the tumor in his lunge had vanished as well as the metastases in his liver.

He was glad that the slight tremor in his hand had vanished after a couple of months, he had missed his bow, he hoped to be fit enough to go back on missions soon, even though he knew it was rather a longer period of time. But one could hope. His physics in general got better, he himself got better, even though he would never be the same again.

He suppressed a laugh when he saw the determination with which both of them fought against each other, and yet, it felt more carefree than in ages. The past time had taken its toll, from all three of them. And even though he was now cancer free, it didn’t mean he was healed. He would have to visit Catarina for regular checkups, the chance of getting cancer again was there, so were long time consequences. He struggled with sleeping, but sleeping next to Jace always helped, but he hated the nights he was alone. But as Jace hated being alone himself, they didn’t spend much time apart. It remained unclear if he were able to father children, but this fact didn’t bother him much, he hadn’t thought about children anyway and if, they wanted to have children in the future, there was always the possibility of adoption or Jace being the biological father.

His hair had started to grow back, first in small curls, which Jace found adorable and Alec slightly embarrassing, but after a while, like with small children, his hair had straightened again, though it remained lighter than it had been. He was still waiting for his eyebrows and lashes to fully return, but it was just a matter of time. He was glad his nails had grown back though.

But not only his body had changed, his mind had also changed. He was a Shadowhunter, he had been raised to face deadly danger on a daily bases. But facing the possible slow death of cancer had been something else. Cancer had been nothing he had been prepared for; there was nothing he could do about it to avoid getting it again, no matter how hard he trained or how well he behaved. So if you wanted, there was some good in it. He valued his time more - his life. He wanted more now from his life than being a faithful soldier, he wanted to travel, to see the world and not spend it behind the thick walls of an Institute. He was a Shadowhunter, born to fight. But more importantly, he was also born to live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the ending I originally planned for this story, but after writing it, it just didn't feel right. I think this story needs a different ending, which I will post in the next chapter. But as I thought that some of you might enjoy the lighter, hopeful ending as well, I'm publishing it anyway. So if you are satisfied with the ending or don't want to read something more sad, just ignore the next update for the next chapter. For those who want to read how the story needs to end in my opinion, just stay tuned, the update will come shortly.


	5. Ending 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING
> 
> Major Character Death
> 
> Mention of suicidal thoughts
> 
> As mentioned in the notes of the last chapter, this is the ending I prefer for this story, but if you are not comfortable with the warnings, just stick to the other ending

Jace felt more at ease than he had for quite some time. The decision to finally face his fears and more importantly, acknowledge Alec’s fears, had been the right one. Their relationship had even deepened, though Jace had never thought that would be possible. He knew, without a doubt, that this was the boy he wanted to spend eternity with. He was just 17 years old, but he knew the legends and sayings, that Nephilim only loved once in their life. And Jace loved, an overwhelming, all consuming love. He was still scared, of course he was. But it seemed that the new drug worked well on Alec. The side effects were horrible, but Alec dealt with them stoically. It pained Jace to see his love suffer, but he supported him as best as he could. Shadowhunters used to work mostly at nights anyway, and Jace made sure to only work then, as Alec would be asleep anyway. When he came back to Magnus’ loft in the early morning hours, he collapsed next to Alec, trying not to wake him and sleep contently curled around him for a few hours, before Alec woke up. Even though the raven boy tried to be as quiet as possible, Jace sensed his movements and stirred beside him, smiling at him and kissing him good morning every single day, not minding the lack of sleep. Most of the time they took a nap together in the early afternoon again, Jace exhausted from hunting and too little night sleep, Alec exhausted from cancer and drugs.

Alec was mostly too tired to do a lot, but they cuddled and kissed whenever the time was right, Jace never giving a damn about Alec’s throwing up or his different appearance. It was not the pretty body he loved, it was Alec’s heart and soul.

It was midway through Alec’s second circle with the more aggressive drug when Jace started to note that Alec tasted a bit differently. At first he thought it was just something his lover had eaten, but it stayed. Alec teased him about it when he mentioned it.

“Maybe you miss the bile, I can throw up for you.”

“Gee, you’re cross. No, but you do taste differently.”

Alec just laughed, but both boys secretly hoped that it was because the cancer was on the retreat. The results after the first circle had been more than promising – of course both knew that the battle was not won yet, but they hoped.

Jace had been offered to transfer to another Institute to develop his skills even further, an offer which he obviously had declined. He received some odd looks for it, but frankly, he couldn’t care less. He loved being a Shadowhunter, the rush of a hunt, the adrenaline when he stood eye to eye with a demon or another hell beast, but this was all secondary to what really mattered, him being Alec’s boyfriend. Nevertheless, he enjoyed the missions, and when he returned from an explicit difficult one his body was still humming in excitement. He still missed Alec by his side during hunts, but knowing it was only temporary made it bearable. He had fought with Izzy and Maria, a knew hopeful recruit from Idris, and despite the fight the demon had put up – or maybe exactly because of it – it had been real fun. He felt tired in just the right way, his body aching a bit from where the demon had hit him, but there were no major injuries, just a few bruises.

He opened the door to Alec’s room quietly, not to wake up his lover. His body was still buzzing with the high of killing, but when he stepped through the door, it hit him instantly. The smell of death. And he recognized it at once. It smelled liked Alec had tasted. It smelled like Lake Lynn all over again. Jace wanted to scream, but the scream died in his throat together with all his hopes and dreams. He jumped forward, cradling Alec in his lap, the still warm body of his lifeless lover obeying pliantly. Jace knew the battle was lost, the fight was over, but of course he checked the vitals, his shaking fingers searching for a pulse, his ear listening for a drawing in of breath. With trembling hands he pulled out his Stele, but when the rune he tried to apply didn’t stay at all – not for a split second – on Alec’s dumb skin, he knew for sure. His Alec was gone. Dead. His brain had known it since he had set foot into the room, his heart would take much longer to process it.

A desperate, choked noise escaped his throat, but beside that, he was not able to rise his voice. Tears were silently streaming down his face, falling on Alec’s face, which lay in his lap. His beautiful eyes were staring unseeingly at the ceiling, no warmth left in them. With gentle fingers Jace closed them, finally finding his voice again, words of love and care spilling out of his mouth. He traced the face that was more familiar to him than his own features, with his thumb and he couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Alec was, even in death, marked mercilessly by cancer. But Alec’s beauty had always come from the inside, from where it really mattered. He looked peaceful, as if death had come to him instead of sleep, and Jace really hoped that this had been the case. That the calmness he remembered from dying at Lake Lynn had not been a cruel imagination, but the truth. He hoped that his Alec was at a better place, finding peace in an afterlife or after state, despite or because peace had not been often in Alec’s cards while living. Maybe, just maybe, he found his little brother again, being finally able to finish the task that had remained unfinished in life: saving and guarding Max.

All this didn’t comfort Jace, not yet, not so soon. There was no comfort in holding his lover, the boy he had fallen for so long ago and who was supposed to be not only his past and his present, but also his future. But this future had been taken away from him by cancer, for ever. Jace was not sure if there was a future for him at all. He didn’t understand what had +happened, why Alec had died all of a sudden when all signs had looked so much better, he didn’t want to, he couldn’t think about the fact that Alec had died alone. He hoped that death had come quickly, as quickly as it had come for him, he hoped Alec had not felt alone, he hoped he had felt the love Jace felt for him.

He curled up next to his lover, the sobs still shaking his body, even though there were no more tears left to cry. He felt a bone deep exhaustion and tiredness, but his mind was not ready to relax. He just lay there, stroking absentmindedly the face and body of Alec, trying not to feel anything, not to feel the pain, the loneliness, the loss, the despair. He just wanted to lay there forever without having to think or feel anything ever again.

***

This was how Magnus found the two boys the next morning. He peeked curiously into the room, as the door was already open but he hadn’t heard any noise coming from the two. One look was enough to make his heart ache, the way Jace hold on to Alec’s lifeless body told enough. He approached Jace carefully, as one would approach a scared animal. Tenderly he brushed one strain out of Jace’s face.

“He looks peaceful.”

Jace could do nothing more but nod. He did. But still, it looked all so wrong. This was not how it was supposed to be. Alec should be alive. If one, it should have been him who died, out of recklessness or something else. But not Alec, the boy who had had a plan and a strategy for every incident and every possible move. For a while, Magnus just sat beside the bed, watching Jace holding on to Alec.

“It’s time now, Jace. We have to inform Catarina and Izzy. It’s time to let him go, Jace.”

“Never.”

Jace hadn’t looked up, other than the first nod and now the single word he had not acknowledged Magnus’ presence at all.

“Jace, you need to let go.”

Anger flared up in Jace, he turned to Magnus, his eyes flashing golden and a deadly glance appeared in them. “Never. Leave us alone. Just go, or I’ll make you.”

Of course Magnus could force Jace away with his magic, but he knew that this would be the wrong way. He sighed, but left the room, calling Catarina and Izzy, hoping that the latter would reach through to Jace. Magnus had buried several lovers in his long life; he could imagine how Jace felt, not exactly, but at least a bit. In every single interaction between the boys it had surfaced how deeply they felt for each other. He wiped at his eyes to force the tears away, now was not his time to grief, his time would come later. What a waste for a boy like Alec to die so young, he was sure he had been meant for great things. He just hoped that Jace would survive this, not in a physical way but in an emotional one. He knew that Alec had always been Jace’s lifeline; he hoped that Jace was stable enough to swim on his own now. He would be of course there for him, and so would be Izzy, but it was not the same, would never be the same again.

It was Izzy who coaxed Jace away from Alec’s body, gently stroking and pushing Jace, while crying herself for Alec, for Jace and a bit for herself, as she had yet another brother to bury.

Catarina examined Alec later, he had died of multiples organ failure, no one could really tell why it had happened. She was able to reassure Jace that there had been nothing he could have done even if he had been there and that most probably Alec hadn’t felt it at all. It was a cold comfort, but better than none.

The first two days Jace spent just staring at a wall, trying not to feel or think. He just sat there, letting the others talk, letting the others plan Alec’s funeral. Of course they would burn him, as it was Shadowhunter tradition. But they had to be careful, they could hold no big funeral as his health condition was still a secret and all of them could get into serious trouble if found out. But Magnus knew a silent brother, Brother Zacharia, who would perform the last rituals for them to guarantee an honorable funeral. The others debated whether or not to inform Alec’s parents, in the end they agreed to do it. Jace heard them, but didn’t listen. He didn’t give a fuck either way. Nothing what they did or not did would bring back Alec. He didn’t give a damn if the Clave found out and punished him, he wouldn’t care a de-runing. Where was the purpose to fight demons, to try to save the world when Alec was no longer part of this world?

On the third day, the rage settled in. Anger and an all-consuming rage against himself, against fate, against anything. He threw himself into a battle against a greater demon, alone, with no back-up, as to challenge fate once more, that when fate had taken Alec away, fate should take him too. But the stars were as cruel as ever, they didn’t grant Jace that wish, and the blond felt too bound to his promise to Alec to take fate into his own hands. So he returned to Magnus’ loft, severely injured, bleeding from two harsh abdominal wounds, limping as his ankle was broken – but alive.

When Magnus saw the state Jace was in, he sighed and let his magic do the work. He was not a healer, but he managed to close the wounds and set the ankle straight. After that, he took gently Jace’s hand in his.

“I know you are hurting, Jace, I know you feel betrayed. I know you feel alone. But you are not, I am here, I will always be here for you. And so is Izzy. We need each other now, you two especially need each other. I will not promise that it will be ever right again, but I can promise that it will get better. Maybe not good, but better. And maybe, it will be good again, another good than it had been, but still.”

Jace heard the words but didn’t gasp the meaning, too lost in despair and anguish. But what he did get was the tenderness in Magnus’s voice, the gentle touch of his hands on his skin, which made his body feel a little warmer again. 

On the fourth day, Jace watched Alec burn. He lay on top of a small pyre, dressed in his usual clothes. They had decided against a white mourning gear, they wanted Alec to look as normal as possible. Jace had drawn mourning runes on himself and on Alec, the same ones at the same place, permanent runes, which would forever stay on their skins. _Until death parts thee and me._ Jace remembered this part of the Parabatai oath as if he had spoken it just yesterday, maybe this was the payback he had gotten from the Angels for cheating death once. Maybe they had decided to punish him in the cruelest way possible, forcing him to live while forcing his lover to die.

Brother Zacharia was a kind man, he had been a Parabatai himself once and he understood too well how Jace felt. He had buried his former Parabatai, even though he had died rather old, at 70, for Shadowhunters a truly old age, he still felt the sting of the loss – and Alec and Jace had been even more than Parabatai, they even had been lovers once their bond had been severed, and if Brother Zacharia was not mistaken, even before. But none of that mattered right now. He had performed all pre-rituals with tender care, anointed Alec’s skin with the sacred oils, spoken the usual well-meaning words.

Now there was nothing left to do than set the pyre on fire and watch him burn. Jace had kissed Alec one last time, the cold skin a strange feeling to his hot lips. He had said his hail and farewell, he had once again told the raven boy how much he loved him. Part of him loathed the fact that Alec got not the funeral he deserved, he was a war hero, he should have a huge funeral with many people to mourn him. But then, the persons who mattered, where there. Izzy, Magnus, Catarina, Maryse and Robert, Clary and Simon who both attended the Shadowhunter Academy, they had gathered together with him at the small beach Magnus owned, to be away from the spying eyes of the Clave.

Jace’s eyes burnt, but he just had no tears left to cry. He was not ashamed of tears, but his body was cried dry, he felt endlessly empty. He had no idea what would come on day five, how he could or should go on. Alec had been his sun, the dark star to his supernova, and he had no idea how he was supposed to carry on without the light and the darkness of him in his life. He had always felt that light needed darkness to exist, and Alec had always been both to him. He just knew, he had to carry on, he would live up to his promise. He would not do anything stupid, though right now, it felt way stupider to endure his life than end it by climbing the pyre and let himself burn alongside Alec.

He sat back on the warm sand, his hands digging deep into the dirty ground. The pyre was still burning, but the body Alec once used to be was already gone, turned into ashes and shadows. He felt Izzy sit down beside him, leaning her head on his shoulder. He felt her tears on his bare arms. He put one arm around her, pulling her close, pressing one gentle kiss to her hair. Out of four, only two were left. Two instead of four. It was enough, Jace decided, at least the last two of them would pull through.

5 years, Jace thought, 5 fucking years. But fate had granted them not even one after the first diagnoses. He remembered his second promise to Alec. Trying to be happy. He had no idea how he could ever be happy again, not without the love of his life by his side. But he had just promised to try, not to be. So that would be the thing to do, starting from day five. Trying to accomplish the impossible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe some of you have noticed that I turned this story into a series, as I most probably will write a fic about Jace dealing with Alec's death - please let me know if this might be interesting for you. If so, just subscribe to the series (or me) to get update notifications.

**Author's Note:**

> *Title from John Green
> 
> Tha amazing art is made by Kissa - thank you SO MUCH 💙💙💙


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